You cannot buy this…

Here is what I made today. You cannot buy it because I purposefully painted it in a journal that is only for journaling. This may not sound like a big deal, but when you own a business, you see EVERYTHING through the lens of sales. There is not a single piece of art I make where selling said art is not at least a minor consideration. I rarely create for the sake of creation anymore, and that is fine. I still get to create for a living and that is always amazing, even when it feels mundane. By forcing myself to make this watercolor sketch on journal paper, it is immediately unsellable in my mind because the paper is low quality. So this one is just for me, for the sake of creation. It is also to help me move through my grief.

We had to say goodbye to our last kitty John Daker on Sunday. He never recovered from his acute heart failure episode, and unlike Jezebel (who was happy to navigate her transition in all of its forms), John Daker does not do “small”. He was spiritually and physically diminished, and to him that was suffering. Three weeks almost to the day after Jezebel left, Daker made his exit peacefully in Pete’s arms.

Before I met Pete I knew I never wanted cats. After I met Pete and his three kitties, I still knew I never wanted cats. When Pete decided to sell his home and move in to mine, I STILL did not want cats. A relative promised to take them in for us, and then reneged at the very last minute. In a frantic hurry to find a home for them, I had an “ah-ha” moment. They are family. They belonged with us. How could it ever be any other way? And then I realized that it didn’t matter whether or not I wanted cats, the cats wanted me.

Pardon my language, but those little fuckers worked their furry little toe beans into my heart so fast I barely knew what hit me. My allergies adjusted, and my lap has not been empty since July of 2021. We have had our moments… turf battles and puke piles and basically me just giving up any kind of control I thought I had over my own stuff. But the rewards far outnumbered the inconveniences. They added a depth to our family dynamics that is hard, if not impossible, to replace.

So the real reason you cannot buy this painting has less to do with me painting “for the fun of it” and everything to do with me not trying to monetize my grief or distract myself from the grieving process by “working”. Sharing this with you helps me alchemizing some of the pain and make it feel worthwhile, and hopefully it will give someone permission to just feel their feelings, like I am trying to do, and not fill that space with distractions or work.

Those tiny little kitties did not take up much physical space but my God, you could fit ten Grand Canyons in the hole they left in our family. I have lots of pictures of Daker in the days before he passed, but those are super sad and pitiful. Instead, I like this one. Wishing you all peace and love.

Peyton